source photo
FYI That last post was totally just supposed to be a work in progress :/ I must have hit publish out of habit! Thank you so much for responding. It is truthful that I'm am going through an ebb, so I'm not ashamed that you know it too.
I told my husband last night I needed to cry. But last night he was in worse shape then me...tired and worn out. And I am just smart enough to know that keeping my heart to unfold to him later would be wiser, that way he could be what I need. Which he was this morning. I realized that there are things missing from my life that I need in order to feel close to God. One is worship through music. I used to have heavy doses of it weekly, being apart of a thriving worship team. It's something I need and it can be hard to find. But I can commit to finding it for myself. So that is one step in the right direction. I spet sometime this morning and I already feel better.
Another thing I needed was to talk to my hubs...mostly through hyper-ventilating tears. Our entire first year of marriage was one giant series of "lesson learning." And believe me we are learning loads! Everyone struggles in life, and God allows it in order for us to learn. For example, if we never had to struggle to pay our bills we'd treat money frivolously. There are so so many things we've learned in our first year together...the scary thing is...I don't think this learning is ever going to stop. I'm pretty sure that God is going to continually be shaping us, and sometimes it's not going to feel good.
The problem is for me is that I get discouraged when going through these lessons and I feel like instead of being shaped for my own good I am being punished. Maybe I'm not doing good enough, well the fact is I'll never be doing good enough. But I am being shaped for a purpose and that purpose is to be used of God. It isn't easy. I used to work with clay and I know how much I had to work it to make it what I wanted it to be. I just need to remember that this is what's happening...the loving hand of our Potter is shaping me!
You're so not alone ;) It is hard...and believe me the first year we were married was a crazy one. To be honest for us the last 7 and a half have been pretty crazy. You're going to have those moments of "feeling punished" for sure! I have those too...plus sweetheart those hormones are a nightmare. I kid you not! When I was first pregnant and in the last month or so I was a mess!! I would cry and feel so frustrated and then get mad at myself for being so silly! So some of the feelings you're having right now might be at least exaggerated because of hormones...I had to keep telling myself that...still do. Either way, hormones or not, it's certainly normal like you said to go through those periods of up and down in your walk with GOD. :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as the heartburn...definitely have to be SUPER careful what you eat...I sometimes ate plain pasta noodles for lunch/dinner and still got/get heartburn...that's the biggest thing...lots of water, try the heartburn tea (earth mamma baby angel...babies r us) after you eat, it helped some of the time except when it was REALLY bad...and don't lie down after eating...for a good while. Also see which over the counter meds help you...I tried all kinds but for me I haven't found one that works yet.
Hope I didn't write you a book there...sorry ;)I hope you feel better sweetie!
i know exactly what you mean when you talk about "feeling punished." i married a widower and lived in his 1st wife's shadow the entire first year of our marriage... i was in a major pit of despair, feeling more than punished. but, praise the Lord... He rescues us and lifts us out of the pit! and the beautiful thing is that we come out looking more like Him! just said a prayer for you, sweet meg!
ReplyDelete