Bursary of Bliss

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My little friend Kristen at Windy Poplars has made a list of the things that bring her heart joy.  I loved how Kristen talked about this list being the things that God put in her heart to bring her comfort and true joy.  I believe this to be true as well.  That God knows our hearts and lavishes us with this little gifts.  Sometimes I am more aware of these things than other times but still they are there.  So here is my list:

1. Butterflies
2. Being the last one to go to bed when all the lights are off except the Christmas tree lights.
3. Pumpkins
4. Black and White movies
5. Antique Stores
6. Music from the 30's and 40's
7. Worship songs
8. Surprise flowers
9. Hugs
10. People watching in Disneyland

That's all I can think of so far...I'm sure there's much much more.  Thanks Kristen for asking this question!

Sincerely, Confused in California

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 You know those doors every one talks about...the ones that are opened so you can walk through them.  Or also when maybe those same "doors" close, miraculously a window opens...so you can climb through them.  I like the idea of them...but haven't you been in a place where there only seems to be closed doors? I believe that sometimes it's very clear...God wants me to go down this or that path. It seems like a door opened.  Don't you love those times.  But other times all you hear is doors slamming shut...bam...bam...bam! At this point you would love to have a direction...but you have none.  You wish for a door with a flashing red arrow pointing down at it...and maybe even a loud authoritative voice saying "This is it...walk through it!" Or I'd totally take a window...even like a small bathroom window that will be a struggle because of your hips but you barely fit through.  No doors, no windows...

I've said before that I can relate to the Israelite people wandering in the desert.  I feel like that. I think the Israelite people would have loved if the promise land was just a mile down the road. If God gave them "an open window." Nope, no doors, no windows. Keep walking.

There was a point to all this "walking." The end result was a Promise Land.  There was a promise from God that this time in the desert would not last forever.  Did the people trust God.  No.  What did they want? A door...or even a window...an easy way out.  Did that generation receive the promise? No, and who knows how long it would have taken if they just would have had faith in God.  But they begged for an easy way out.

I think these myths about "Open doors and windows" come from people wanting to make excuses for God, to make God as nice as we think He should be.  It's true that God loves us more than we'll ever know how to love.  It is also true that He is perfectly just. If you've read the Bible you know there are things that make us cringe.   We understand the love part...but we don't understand His justice.  So we try and make excuses.

These excuses are not necessary.  Trust me, we've been hit with so much in the past month...more than I've even been sharing.  But I know that the promise land is out there. But God wants something from me in return.  Faithful Obedience.  Sometimes we have to walk through the desert in order to get to where we want to be.  It's hard for me to say or even do sometimes but I have to have faith because God knows what He's doing. 


   

Bows

I don't know if I've mentioned it before....I really enjoy being a girl.  (just kidding you all know that) I recently bought five plain head bands, from Forever 21 for $1.  I know! Black, white, gold, silver, and torus-shell.  I like to wear them plain but I love to wear them gussied up.  Everything looks better gussied up! So sometimes I'll clip a flower pin to them (which looks very pretty).  But more recently I've been experimenting with bows.  My mom gave me little odds-and-ends when I was leaving home including ribbon.  I tied them into little bows and stuck the head band through the back! Fun!

I'm Reading...

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I'm reading Little Women.  It's been a long time movie favorite of mine, my mom's and my sister's. But Although my mom gave me the book to read when I was a little girl, I never got into it.  I was really not a great reader until high school/college.  I have a great passion for the classics, because there's a reason why these books are still around.  I have only gotten through the first 7 chapters so far, but Lousia May Alcott is a beautiful writer.  I've been reading it out loud to my husband while he works or "plays" (facebook) on the computer.  I'm reading out loud because someday I would like to read this book to my daughters.  I am touched by this book, how it has made us laugh, and me cry already.  It's so strange a thing to do together but it has shown me a new side to him, I already knew that he was sweet and patient with me, but now I know that he will be just as sweet, patient, and understanding to our daughters someday.  (I say daughters because I want at least 2, if not 3)

Sweet

Strange Blue Creature

(My title is from a Muppet movie...and when I was about to write my post about how strange I am this quote came into my head...I was kind of all about Muppets when I was little...I also have a crazy good memory when it comes to nonsense)

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Ok so many things have come out of our little family traumas (read below if you don't know what I'm talking about) I can say that it has brought my husband and I to a greater understanding about each other and because of this has brought us closer together.  Which is a really great positive thing that I can point to when I'm sad and feel hope rising.  But as my husband learns more about me I have learned (about me) that I am let's just say a "Strange Blue Creature."

For example, when dealing with grief my husbands instant reaction is to call his family and good friends and have them come to be around him.  A completely normal reaction. My reaction was to go to my parents house where I looked forward to time alone.  (strange? yes...I like to be alone.)  I knew this about myself before but I didn't have someone to compare myself to so when I saw his reaction I thought to myself "Oh that's what normal people do."  My parents are used to me, so of course they knew what I was going to be like...my husband I think was kind of weirded out for a while.  Until I explained.  

Then my social anxiety came out later on that week.  I have always been a shy person.  This is not something I like about myself...I always get nervous when going into any kind of social situation...butterflies all that...I used to get nervous going to school and work (there are very few places I feel truly comfortable).  But I don't like that about myself and have always pushed myself to essentially face my fears. One way I did this was by taking drama classes in college.  I'm a very nice and friendly person so no one would know (unless you're in my family, especially my sister) how much I internally struggle.  Not even my husband.  While we were talking about this he said "you sure are a great actress!" yup.  I would always say to him when we had to go somewhere social or even to his work stuff "I don't want to go." And he would say "Why?" And I would say "Because." And we'd argue.  When I was finally able to let go and communicate with him how "deep this goes" for me he understood me.

It's pretty much one of the best feelings in the world to be, finally, understood.  My sister was the first person to kind of crack the code of me...and she validated me, that it was ok to like to be by myself and to be quiet.  But then to be understood by my husband?! That can take your relationship to a new level.  I am a Strange Blue Creature but I am me, and that's ok.   

I'm Dreaming About...

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I have a city dear to my heart.  Am I a city person? No. But this is no ordinary city, this city is pure perfection. This city is Paris.  This first time I had the opportunity to travel to Paris I was 11.  I was with my family traveling.  It was the most amazing family vacation.  (Don't get me wrong we are not wealthy people, this was years in the making for my parents) I remember vividly being in the city.  It was July and the bright colors of the land/city scape was captivating.  At one point my mom and I decided not to travel to the Notre Dame with the rest of our family...so we sat by ourselves in a park.  We watched the Parisians stroll and she asked me if I'd ever want to live here and I said yes!

10 years later this city called me back.  I again had the amazing opportunity to study abroad in neighboring (sort of...not really) London.  And on my break I returned to pretty Paris.  Paris in February is very different...subtle pastels, creamy colored old buildings with blue roofs.  Very cold, but still so alive.  I don't know what it is about Paris, to me it's the place where fairy tales still exist.  The people are not super friendly but they are super relaxed, there is an easiness about their culture. If you wish to blend in to your setting when you travel, the Parisian culture is perfect for you. I will never forget my experiences in Paris.  I can't wait to take my little girl or girls someday...Paris is for little girls who believe in happily ever after!    

The Reason...

1 Peter 3:15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

I was hoping to be able so share very good news with you all soon.  I was going to announce that I was going to have my first baby.  Sadly, I lost it.  It seems that my husband and I are being allowed to go through a time of suffering.  But we do have hope...we have hope in the Lord.  We know that we'll see our little one someday! I keep being reminded of what happened after Job lost everything-he instantly fell down and praised God...I know it's difficult for some people to understand but God is good and his plan is perfect and He is taking care of my baby right now.  This is a very difficult time for us but God is our constant provider and He is comforting us today. 

So..

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A week ago my world turned upside down...my hubbs got mysteriously very sick and then 24 hours later, was resting and recuperating and is now getting back to normal (thanks again for the prayers!)  He woke me up last Thursday at 5 am with a seizure.  He's never had one before, it doesn't run in his family and he didn't have a head injury.  It was like I described it...a total nightmare.  It's been a week and we still don't know why it happened, the Doctors say that not having an answers is the best case scenario. (Because "an answer" would mean something very serious.)  It seems to be pretty common. The more we read about it and talk to people the more stories we hear of unexplained seizures happening to people once in their lives and never again.  This seems to be his case since he's not had one again, since last Thursday night.

I had a conversation with the ER Doctor at 1 in the morning as they were medicating my sleeping husband, that recovery was going to be worse for me than it will be for him.  He doesn't remember them, he just has to go through the testing and the medication etc.  I will never forget the images, the panic, the staying strong and upbeat for almost 24 straight hours, standing next to a stranger in the emergency waiting room while he threw up in the trash can.  Traumatic.  I have never been so frazzled in my life!

I wanted to explain what happened because I just feel like God has a plan for all of our lives.  Some times we don't understand them (for example, the only explanation I have right now for this happening is that maybe some one wanted to scare the living daylights out of me?! yes? no?). But for some people things come easy for a while, they don't struggle with the same things you do.  But we ALL are going to struggle, be tested by fire, you just might not know when. For the past couple weeks my husband and I have been saying to each other "When we are so small, God is so big." we were saying it to encourage each other for a whole other reason...then trauma hits...and I have to really decide do I believe this? It was easier to say it and believe it before...but then all the lights go out and you are alone..."Now do you trust me to be as Big as I AM or not?"

My only answer is a humble "yes."

We never know what's really going on in people's lives, I really got a dose of compassion through this.  I am so grateful for the nurses and doctors who were Angels when I needed them! And I'm thankful for my parents who stopped everything to support Chris and I...I would be a wreck with out them.  And I am thankful to God for continuing to bless me with my husband!

Swimming Star

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The earliest memory I have of old movies is when I was around 4 years old.  My Great Grandmother drove her big yellow car (from the late 60's) over to watch me for the afternoon.  She turned on the tv and there it was....a beautiful old technicolor movie.  I didn't know it at the time but it was an Esther Williams movie.  Esther Williams was a swimmer...a glamorous swimmer! I guess you could call them musicals, but instead of big dancing numbers...they had big swimming numbers! I relate more to these because I grew up swimming my summers away...I was not exactly little miss dancer (side note: I did do ballet and tap when I was 6 years old, we had a recital and then after our "number" all the lights suddenly turned off and there were 12 screaming 6 year olds around me...I never went back) They are great films...I hope to see more someday! But for now I will say the Million Dollar Mermaid is wonderful, if you ever catch it on TCM (Turner Classic Movies) Enjoy!